| Re read a lot of these entries...first time in years |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|11:06 pm] |
Well, what can I say. I have changed a lot. Kind of interesting, a lot of the people who would have read this stuff would have moved on now and won't see this, as I did. But highly reflective at the moment.
Firstly, can't believe i used to live by my labels in such a way, so unhealthy. Can't believe I let so many doctors medicate me to the shithouse which caused so many problems, most recently, two or three months ago, memory is so hazy had my first psychotic break....side effect from Luvox. Full blown mania as well, went completely off my skull. sent over 20 emails to my uni at some stage in the space of 24 hours that I cant hardly remember sending. Worst my mental health has ever being. But recovering now....medication free and feel better for it. never before have I had such a public meltdown, everyone I know saw it...dangers of facebook.
I'm a social work student these days at RMIT. Like it there, opened up my eyes to a lot of things mental health related that I have never considered before. that's my niche I think. I still consider this decade to be an absolute waste of time in so many ways, but the good thing is, for the first time in years I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Lost so many friends over the past few years, mainly people didn't know how to deal with me, real sad in a way, in another, I kind of glad that those people are out of my life, in some ways they were just poisonous.
so, med withdrawal, that's a fun topic. came off a mixture of mood stabilizers, anti psychotics, effexor, luvox, weed all in the past 4 months. Most in the past month. Feel better for it as well. Just left with valium, which may go tomorrow. At least my current shrink listens to me unlike the last one, and is willing to help me through this, could have told me to fuck off.
The psychotic break was the scariest thing I have ever encountered, was doing some crazy stuff and not safe to have a Facebook account where all of this stuff just came out.
In many ways I'm finding a way to be happy by myself. Something I have never being able to do, hmmm for now that is all |
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| long time no blog |
[Oct. 2nd, 2009|11:23 pm] |
The absurdity of life…I love it! Whilst, quietly listening away to some music I thought of my monthly blood tests that I will have to start soon and I broke out in a fit of laughter. ‘Why is that,’ you may ask and that is a valid question… of course I might choose not to continue to take this ‘mood stablisiser,’ that has me so nauseas I have a bucket waiting for the inevitable next to me. After speaking to my dad who is a semi retired pharmacist I have decided to cut down on my starting dose, so, hopefully it will help.
It appears I’ve flown off on a slight tangent. Back to the point. These blood tests check the level of sodium valporate in my blood or some shit like that. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but have they medicalised mental health so much we now have blood tests to see how ‘crazy’ we are? I can see it now, the little, white men, in their little white coats.
Little white man says to the other, ‘according to this blood analysis this patient has not enough sodium valporate in his blood, hmmmm he must be manic.’
Other little white man to other, ‘according to this other patient’s blood work his lithium levels are way too high and is probably depressed.’
Third little white man comes in and says, ‘hmmmmm according to both of their blood work they both may have diabetes, we might have to treat that at some point……’
this scenario played out in my head and could'nt help pissing myself laughing.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|01:58 am] |
I was just looking at my facebook account and thought, whoa, I have 74 friends on here; all of them I've been friends with at some point of time in the past 14 years. Yet only one of them I speak to on a semi-regular basis. Kind of made me sad that I'm so separated from everyone these days. I rang up that one friend before and he was way too stoned, and couldn't put two words together. It really hit home then how lonely I actually am. I'm really excited at the prospect of my life finally coming together in the next year or so, but that doesn't cure loneliness. It's strange, I really want to leave all of my old friends behind now. I want everything to be new in my life. My life has been filled with so much poison for such a long period of time, I just want a fresh start. I used to miss them, now, well, not so much. i just want some new people in my life. Where do you meet new people?! Who knows?!
For most of this year i was playing warcraft and had a lot of online friends there but I have stopped playing now and it does leave a massive void. WoW is evil!!
Decided to get my haircut today. Southland was more crowded then the last time I went and the anxiety kicked in a bit. At one point while walking into an open spacious area, I stopped; I didn't mean to, it was just an automatic reaction. I quickly regained my composure though and was fine. Still bothers me though that the agoraphobia is hanging around again.
My mum is back on her meds. It's obvious now that she is Schizophrenic and she has been for a long time. I guess it made my childhood that much more interesting. But she is really good at the moment, the meds work wonders for her. |
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| Roar goes Robbie |
[Nov. 7th, 2007|12:45 am] |
Been so long since I have visted this little site. Not a lot has happened. The whole year pretty much went down the drain when the panic attacks kicked in back in April. So, I quit my job and a couple of weeks later I withdrew from uni. So, 2007 won't go down in history as one of my finer years.
The good news is for the past 6 weeks I have felt great. In fact the best I have felt in 18 months. These days I'm on Effexor 150mg; it does seem to agree with me. I still get a bit edgy when I go out but thats because I'm expecting panic which hasn't come. i managed to see Chris Cornell last week and had no panic whatsoever. Hell, I got as far to the front as I could, amongst the mass of sweaty bodies. By the way Chris Cornell was awesome! the place was packed with old Soundgarden diehards. He has such an amazing voice on him even after all of these years!
Anyway, at the moment I'm putting an application for some different uni courses and exploring my employment options. The problem being I have always worked retail and I refuse to go back. So I'm looking at maybe working as a support worker for the disabled. So, my anxiety has been great the past few weeks. Well, in terms of panic, it's fine. Still stressing over little things like work and uni options etc. Well that's all i can be bothered writing for now, so, I will update again soon. |
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| been a long time |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|01:59 am] |
Not sure why I have the sudden urge to post now. I guess no one I realy know reads what I write here and that i comforting in a way. In many ways I don't dwell on my anxiety anymore. In many more ways I still do.
I'm back at uni again. I already have missed so many classes becuase of my anxiety and what not. Finding it so hard to motivate myself at the moment. I still panic a lot. I think it's been 10 months now since I have has this illness. All I want is to feel normal and lead a normal life. I don't want to freak out anymore when I go out in public. I see all of my friends are passing me by. I'm too anxious to make new ones. I need a change, something to givwe me a life...a kick start. I guess it would be nice to have a friend.
Damn, I have even managed to quit smoking, and I do miss it....it did provide me with some comfort. Sometimes I wonder what everything would be like if I stopped taking my meds. Would it make that much difference. Would I totally flip out? Maybe I still wonder if I have been misdiagnosed and that there is something seriously wrong with me like a brain tumor. I guess I will keep wondering. |
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| a dragon and a new year |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|09:41 pm] |
I'm great at updating this thing ain't I? I can't even remember when the last time was when I updated. I think I posted pictures of the tattoo on my back....that's right I did. It was a sort of snap decision. I have been thinking of getting a tatt for years. But didn't really start looking at designs till a couple weeks before I got it done. I was actually looking for a tiger. I have a thing for tigers. However, every tiger design I looked at was poor to ay the least. I wanted something tribal. Then I saw a dragon which popped out at me. I have a thing for dragons as well. To me they represent fearlessness, strength and wisdom. Perfect for an agroaphob like me!
Wel I think i had about 7 panic attacks during the tattoing. It didn't hurt that much till they got to the shoulder blade and then I was in a lot of pain. Afterwards I felt so good and I absolutly love it!
Not a lot else has happened. 2006 has passed and 2007 is here. I'm back at uni in 6 weeks ansd I'm shitting myself. Uni was a major trigger for me! That is what sent me off the deep end. I'm still to decide my study for next semester. I'm either going to do 2 or 3 subjects. To be classified as a full time student for welfare I have to do 3. However, I can get welfare if I'm doing two if I have a disabilty which stops me doing a full time load. I will talk with the uni and my psychiatrist about it. I think i will leave this entry as it is for now! I will post tomorrow my goals fot this year which I actually wrote a month ago
much love evryone |
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| About time i updated |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|11:06 pm] |
It’s been a little while since I have blogged hereon live journal. Well the past few weeks have been very frustrating. The pendulum is definitely swinging against me and it’s starting to get to me. In that time my psychiatrist has decided to become my worst enemy. She is making me feel worse by the week. The last session she told me that there is a possibility that I might be like this forever. Stuck at home, with no friends, no love in my life and no satisfying work etc etc.
She asked me after that what it would take to make me cry. She was trying to get a reaction out of me. Trying to make me feel bad. I refused to let it effect me at the time, however, it really started to eat away at me later. Ever since then I think I have been the most depressed I think I have ever actually been. I thought it was her job to try to make me feel better not make unbelievably depressed. I think I need to change over to someone else. I really starting to hate her and I’m sick of coming out of sessions feeling worse then what I did.
Since I have last blogged my anxiety has grown again. I ‘m having more panic attacks and my agoraphobia has increased. I have hi5t another low at the moment and seem to be struggling to get my way through it.
I’m so sick of being lonely. The fact is no one apart from fellow sufferers know what these disorders are like. None of my friends try to understand. A few of them I don’t consider friends anymore. People tend to show their true colours when the going gets tough. I’m stuck by myself everyday and the loneliness is unbearable. I just want to have someone to chat to. Not even about anxiety related stuff. Just someone to have a chat with.
The next semester is about 12 weeks away. I really hope I’m right to go by then. I would be really distraught if I had study taken out of my life again. |
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| randomnesss part 2- two face divides |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|05:18 pm] |
So I continue to type nothing in particular
Hoping to reach a compromise on my future
Being self effiecent
Being empowering
Being fullfilled
Being logical
I turn around and see them all gathered around me
Praying to their God, as if he or she could hear
I still wonder about that and if it really existed
Or if it was just another figment of my imagination
Prehaps a dream,. Prehaps a terror,
Prehaps the whole world went crazy just for a second
So I continue to speak and regurgitate
All of my absurd train of thought
Trying to be logical
Trying to be self-assured
Trying not to be pedantic
Trying not to hang myself up from a cross
So I look beneath the surface and all I find is a face with two distinct divides
One is red as the lakes of fire, the other black and dark as a cell
This two sided face, sneers at me as I resign to contemplate
Whatever the sneers and sniggers mean, I try to refuse the bait
From the outside looking in, I discover an unkept secret
For what is known is known only to me
Being Creative,
Being free
If we all only knew what that means
I look a bit further down and see them all around me again
Through the dark, damp air of the room, I sense
That the two face divides are all around me
With this moment of clarity I finally see
That the two sided faces are not red and black
But white and gold and illuminated bright as can be
They all snigger at me, like something is plain wrong
That much I know and that much I sense
However what is the meaning o the two face divides
My claruty has came to rest, for it has grown weary
Of the peering eyes of the two face divides
I'm am locked in with no escape, no bars will separate
Being negative
Being here
Being with the same old stares
Being appreciated and admired
Give me freedom
Give me sense
Give me boldness
Give me peace
Give me escape from the two face divides
Gold and white, black and red
Whatever the colour maybe it's unsettling at best
Give me escape |
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| Random thoughts |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|01:19 am] |
Being proactive
Being socially accepted
Being a productive human
Being positive
Where's the balance?
Why the constant contradictions?
Being stable
Being considerate
Being self assertive
Being happy
Not feeling apathy
Not giving in to what is easy
Being in a better state of mind
Being stronger
Being of better use
Being in a higher place
Why all the choices?
To do or not to do?
What is the next step?
Is there a next step?
What the hell am I even talking about?
I think I even have myself bewilderd
Listening to people and their choices
Their riddles, when i have my own to work out
Maybe I should stop and look
Or maybe that is exactly what I'm doing
What is proactive exactly?
Is it what I'm tolda it is?
Sometimes I just don'e believe that
Other times I don't believe in myself
That is just me being me though,
Feeling apathy, feeling numb, feeling tired
Decisions decisions, decisions
Too many to make, or maybe not enough
Yet another contradiction to ponder
Do i even care anymore, and if I dont, why is that?
Is it because I think everyoneis full of shit,
I'm, sick of trying to read through people's masks
When I cant even see through my own
I don't even know why I continue to type
Random thoughts on to a computer screen
My brain is about to go into meltdown
if not, my computer will soon
Do I really see things differently
Or do I just like to think I do
One day, i will work out all of my contradictions
I will work out what i truly what to say
what the inner voice inside of me actually means
For that though I need a dictionary
A foreign language one
I' still not sure what language i need
And how to decipher it
Till then this will do |
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| Damnit |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|12:45 am] |
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It's 12:45am and I just realised that i didn't take my meds this morning.....shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 |
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| reflection |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|02:16 am] |
First off i would like to apoligise to everyone who has commented me and hasn't recieved a reply. I had a massive depressive phase which I snapped out of last week. Since then i have been focusing on improving myself with a bit of success. I will get back to everyone. Once again my apoligies.
I guess, I was second guessing myself quite a bit. I think I lost track of who I was and where I wanted to go. Lost my self worth and value. Well, do any of us truly know who we are and I don't just mean anxiety sufferers etc. I mean everyone. I do believe I know who I am. I guess at the same time I'm learning a lot about myself. I guess old habits are hard to break. It takes a while to unlearn all the posion I have fed to myself and became conditioned to over the years. I guess I'm starting that process. At the end opf the day, despite my failures I like the person who I am. I'm not a bad person, I know that and i think everyone who has encountered me in some shape or form over my 25 years of existence knows that as well.
So that is why I like me. Despite my fuck ups and at times self loathing i know that I would never do anything to harm another person. The only person I fuck around is myself and it's something I'm trying to learn to stop. A lot of this is directly related to my anxiety. It's amazing how long i thought all of this was normal behavior since my teenage years and I realise now, I have always had massive anxiety problems.
I guess it's time for me to pull apart layer upon layer of myself and see whats inside. I think I know what i will find and I will like it. I just need to make sure once I do that I will make it on my own and my own time. I will refind that crazy confidence I had in myself whan I was 16. It's still there and it raised it's beautiful head occassionaly but not often enough.
It's also time for me to get stuck into writing. Really, between now and the next semseter of uni, I could potentially start and finish this novel I always have wanted to write. Will, i try to get it published? Well, I don't know. I think the important thing is to write for my enjoyment and try to perfect my craft before I think about being published.
I had forgotten something along the way with my writing. It's supposed to be fun. I'm meant to enjoy it. Thats' why of late i have just started writing really stupid passages of writing to get that spark flowing again. I need that burst of creativity and then i will find that I will eventually hit upon a more serious tone and write something which means something. Something about how this world that all of us accept is just plain wrong. I stop everyday and think all of this is just stupid....all of us are a bunch of freaks who shouldn't exist. We are all just freaks of some science experiment gone wrong. they always talk about mutants in Sci fi works. Well, the fact is that we are all actually mutants. we all mutated from some weird chemical reaction. Then we messed with the world for what we thought was for the greater good. None of what we see and hear everyday is normal. We ra ethe freaks of nature. there is no other planet in our solar syatem that has life as we have it. No other planet with artificial landscape like we do. yet we are considered the norm! Okay, now I'm on a massive tangent!
back to where i was...thats right writing...so for a while I'm writing for my own fucken pleasure,...nonesense, one might call it then i will hit upon the bigger issues. Once that spark has fully returned. I sense a storm brewing inside of me, and shit it's going to massive when it breaks and I hope a lot of you guys will be along for the ride. I guess right now I'm having one of those rare moments of clarity which makes everything seem so clear amd simple.
I might be returning to work in four weeks. I think I' nearly ready. there will be a lot of discomfort but I'm willing to take it on. The next four weeks are just to improve my mental state a bit more. I can't wait to get back into study next year. I find knowledge to be empowering. I started chossing some of my subjects for bnext year and can't wait to challenge my mind once again. I guess everything will slowly fall into place. I realise that this disorder is most likely somethingt i will have to deal with the rest of my life. I think i'm up to the challenge. I know that there are some good things ahead of me.
It's funny last year i was in a similar postion, and thought that a new dawn had come. That turned out to be incorrect. However i think this is the real dawn of a new era for me. I will lokk forward to it...... |
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| quote from bill hicks |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|04:09 pm] |
"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and around and around and it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud, and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, ''Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because... this is just a ride!'' It's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one." </b>
quote from the late great comedian/philosopher/satirist bill hicks (1962-1994) |
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| Why do I feel empty |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|04:38 pm] |
It's been ages since I have updated this thing. Yea so much for updating at least everyday. At the moment I don't know where I am at. The thing is I have made so much progress in the past few days yet I'm in a major depressive state at the moment. I really should be in bed as well, it's nearly 3am. I have started driving again, I'm exercising, I'm practicing my relaxation therapy. There are still a lot of things I have to do. I still can't stand being out in public. I can walk around the block relatively calmly now but I can't go out in a busy road. I can drive though, I feel I have some sort of protection in my car...as long as my OCD doesen't kick in and then it can be rather unpleasant. I still have to attempt daytime driving.
I have been attending support groups now. For the past two weeks. I like it there. Though I don't speak a hell of a lot, I don't feel as much as a freak. I actually get to speak to people in person...or hear people speaking in person. I usually just speak to my psychiatrist. My psychologist, I'm done with. he wants to keep seeing me but I think he has helped me all that he can and he pissed me off too much in his last session. It was just too bizzare.
All of this has been happening in the past 4 days. i have managed to get a little bit of control back into my life. In fact the past few days has been relatively anxiety free till today- I will get to that in a moment though. this mediacation seems to be working a bit better, I don't seem to be losing the plot like I did in the lexapro. I will probably have my dose upped again in the next week to 30mg.
Today I woke up very anxious. I knew I was planning on driving myself to the support group. It's in an area I'm not used to driving in and it's foreign territory. My OCD was kicking in bad as well. Violent thoughts of self harm and the harm of others and the compulsions started up. Things always in 5's! Tap this five times times five. Take 5 steps then back and repeat over and over and over till I felt like it was complete. At least I didn't play the touching game. That one is a pain in the arse. This went on for ages till i was so exhausted I just couldn't perform the compulsions anymore and was just left with the obsessive thoughts. i still tried to block them out but they always came back. By this stage I had decided to skip support group but I changed my mind again at the last minute. I had an anxiety free drive there and back. It's half an hour away as well.
I got home and I was just left feeling depressed and empty. I know I've progressed a lot more in the past 4 days then the previous 3 months but I just feel like it means nothing. I want to go back to my normal life but what exactly is so good about my normal life. I do want to get better, but i feel like I have nothing to return to when I do get better. Work isn't that exciting for me. Even though I loved university in the first semester it doesn't hold the same appeal it once did. I have minimal friends to hang out with. I just feel like all i have is me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I always thought that i would hold onto my dreams and goals but I don't think i haver the ability anymore to achieve them. i seemed to have lost a spark somewhere. A spark i need to rediscover. I thought I knew what my calling in life was but now I have my doubts. I wish I just knew what i want to do. I feel like that life doesn't have anything at the moment to offer me. I also wonder if this OCD, anxiety and panic etc is something that I will always have to fight through. that one day I will beat it and it will just come back to bite me on the arse again.
I obviously don't know where I'm at the moment. i was so happy with my progress and now.... i don't know what to think anymore. I have no idea what I'm even trying to say at this moment. I guess i have always been lost. Occasionally, i think i have found myself but then down the track I realise that everything i thought was wrong and misconstructed some how. I guess, I just want to be happy. I don't think I can even remember the last time I felt truly happy and content with my life. |
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| Medication increase and OCD in overdrive |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|08:41 pm] |
Well, I upped my medication today as per the psychiatrists request. The paroxetine is now gone from 10mg to 20mg. I will probably end up on 40mg. I hhate how I'm so hypersensitive to medication whenever I start something new or have to increase my dose. My anxiety has been sky high all day. My OCD is in overdrive today. The past hour has been really bad. I can't stop these violent thoughts. My psychiatrist said to let them wash over you. To reach an understanding of what they mean. I think that they are just nonsensical obsessions. She thinks they could be a result of repressed anger. I letting them wash over me. They are just too evil to do that. I hate the images and the thoughts. They scare the shit out of me that kind of that kind of crap can come out of my head.
Either way they are driving me batty. Even though my OCD is mainly pure O (with some minor compulsions) when it hits overdrive like it is now this is when the compulsions rear their ugly head. The compulsions seem to go out of control as well. I have already stopped a quite a bit while writing this to tap the desk 5 times in 5's with my knuckles. If I keep this up, my knuckles are going to get very sore soon. It's drivng me nuts. Just before I played my pacing game. Five steps fprward, turn around and take five steps back and repeat over and over again. It's driving me mental. All of these disorders are driving me mental. If i don't have the OCD, have the panic, if I don't have either of them it's the simple GAD, if it's not that again it's the depression. I feel like I'm climbing up the walls.
I have been attempting my walks at night. As my shrink says. Face the Fear. Take this agoraphobia head on. Well it hasn't been plesant. The whole time while I'm walking I feel like giving up. Just feel like stopping and sitting on the footpath and call someone to get me. I'm only walking around the block as well. It's just filled with so much panic. i have been going at night and not during the day like the psychiatrist said to do. Last night when i got back to my driveway I half collapsed from the distress, fear, panic, dizziness and lied in my driveway for five minutes before I got up. |
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| Yet another disorder |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|03:03 pm] |
Well, anxiety disorders seem to snow ball from one to the other. I'm so tired right now. Not enough sleep last night at all. Eventually my thoughts did calm down last night. They started again in the morning though. By this stage I thought I knew what was going on but still couldn't believe that it could come from nowhere like that. I know these thoughts have occured in the past but not to that extremity. I could just repress them. Last night was heel and I had my psychiatrist appointment this morning.
I went in trying to think how I could possibly explain these thoughts without being sent off to a mental home. My anxiety was sky high. I explained the violent thoughts and the sexual ones. How they just escalated till I had to retreat The psychiatrist didn't even flinc. Like she expected this. She mentioned Obsessive compulsive disorder and said it was obvious that was it. Just I hadn't had any compulsions yet. Well, I told her thats not correct. I told heer of this new compulsion with counting to five. tapping five times. Pacing back and forth- 5 steps each way. I asked her how could I develop it so quickly. She then told me that she has suspected for a little while that my anxiety has grown in to all the known anxiety disorders. I tink when I was telling her about me imagining cutting myself that was the give away. The thing is whan i imagne cutting myself there is no intent in doing it. In fact it's an extremly violent thought with blood gushing everywhere and I mean everywhere. I don't imagine small cuts. They are really disturbing thoughts. They are not depression related but in fact OCD related. My OCD has quitened down a bit in the past couple of hours after a fairly interesting morning. At one stage I couldn't type on the forum till I tapped numerous items on my desk 5 times each.
Well my resume now looks like this
Panic Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Agoraphobia
Social Anxiety
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
Major Depression
Anxiety is a bag of laughs |
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| The most full on anxiety ever |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|10:29 pm] |
Tonight was strange. In fact the whole day was strange. I don't know what happened. I haven't posted for a while so I will try to give a run down on the events of the past week. I have just backdated a blog from myspace explaining my therapy appointment on Monady. No bi-polar in short. Started to half my dose of lexapro. Anyway at my appointment on Thursady, she decided to start me on aropax (paxil) 10mg to start then 20mg after a week. Possibly up to 40mg afterwards. So i stopped my lexapro completly and started on aropax on Friday.
Wel today was full on. A combination of lexapro withdrawals and new meds. But something was strange. I had the normal panic, agroraphobia and anxiety but I also had some really full on thoughts. I couldn't stop them. I know I have had thoughts like these before but not to this extreme. I have always managed to push them out of my head. Inappropriate sexual thought and violent thoughts. They wouldn't stop. My mums sister was over and her cousin and my cousins. I started having thoughts and images of killing them. Going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife. then I thought bout doing it to myself. I KNOW i would never do anything like that. But I was really scared anyway. This wasn't normal. I had my dog on my lap. I love my dog so much and I even had images of me hurting him. This really upsets me. I want to cry just looking back on it now. I would never do anything to hurt anyone including my dog. Violent realistic images of me slashing my wrists came into my head. All of these thoughts would not go away.
I had to retreat to my room. I got to my room and imagined smahing everything. Totally trashing it. I wrote an email to an internet friend. Then I started pacing. But i was counting each step to five, then turn around and repeat over and over again. Occassionaly i would stuff up and goto six. I felt like screaming. Everything would increase just increase when that happened. So i would do it till I felt it was no longer necessary. I was going crazy. I would sit down and tried posting in my support group. All of a sudden more images would come to my head and I would start tapping my leg. 5 taps then pause and repeat. I did this till i felt I could stop and continue posting. I felt like I ws crawling out of my skin the whole time. I would then get up and do the 5 step pacing.
I know i have had thoughts like this come into my head before. I thought to myself when I was in the middle ofthis full on episode that I hadn't. I have had them but not to this extreme. I have always been able to get rid of them. Though they have disturbed me. I have no idea what happened tonight. I don't know if it was the meds switch or maybe something else manifested and reared its ugly head. I have no idea. I hope it was just the meds switch. I hope this doesn't happen ever again. It was really scary. Thank God I see my psychiatrist in 8 and a half hours. This episode lasted for 6-7 hours. |
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| This has been backdated |
[Sep. 20th, 2006|10:28 pm] |
Well I'm starting to have fantasies about choking my psychiatrist. Hopefully i could plead insanity.
She asked me about my depression last session. I dais how empty I felt, how lonely etc. Then she went on and said what I explained wasn't real depression or something along those lines. WTF. I didn't understand what she meant by that. Maybe I didn't explain how I felt properly or something. Somehow she made me feel worse.
When we started talking about the meds, I told her they were not doing anything for me that I felt no improvement since I have been on them. So she gave me three options and said she was happy with any of them.
1. Increase my dose
2. switch me over to something else
3. stop medication alltogether
I said either of the first 2 options. Then she said she thinks that I should be switched over to something else. Then said she would like to see me without medication for a little while. I specifically said that I didn't want to stop all medication when she gave me the 3 options. I think she wants to give it a go for a week or 2.
I then started saying how bad the lexapro effected me the first 10 days I was on it. Only 2 hours a sleep a night, constant 4 hour panic attacks, I was scared of the shower for a while etc etc. She then said I shouldn't have continued with the lexaopro at all at that point. When i started seeing her i told her that i had a very bad reaction for 10 days or so and she didn't say anything about it then. She just smiled at me. What a fucking sadist. WTF.
Then she asked me about what I avoided. I told her that the only two things I do is come to my appointments, go for a walk down the street and turn around as soon as i see someone and I get my cigarettes. As soon as I mentioned the smokes she gone "ahhhhhh" with a strange look on her face. She didn't say I wasn't agoraphobic but that ahhh and the look on her face implied a hell of a lot. Maybe I misread her but I'm usually pretty good at reading people. I didn't get a chance to explain that I only get my ciggies at 10:45pm, when the service staion is about to close, it's only a minute away, the trip is filled with anxiety and panic, if there is someone else in there I want to run out screaming and I usually buy three packs at a time to avoid more trips. It's only a minute away as well. The whole trip is usually filled with a lot of anxiety if not panic. That's when she asked for a list of things next session that i avoid doing. She also asked if I'm ever agoraphobic around the house and I said yes. Sometimes i will avoid walking in the centre od any rooms and stick to the walls. I'm really scared of open spaces. I get so dizzy and disorientated I have collapsed before during panic and very close a few times. She didn't say I wasn't agoraphobic but what she was implying i didn't like. She might be thinking that my agoraphobia isn't that bad. I'm really unhappy with her and I'm venting my unhappiness the next session. I think it was the depression thing which really got me. I don't know why she would say that my depression isn't real depression. She said something like it's situational. I have major depressive episodes since I was 16. Does it matter if your depression is situational or not? It's still fucking depression. I read up on depression guidelines and it's obvious I qualify as major depressive.
I'm on half my dose of lexapro for 4 days then stoping. I already feel like shit. I have a really bad headache, my agoraphobia has seemed to increased, I was waking up in sweats last night and I'm severely depressed. The withdrawels are already horrible. I have no energy whatsoever. It was hell going on the lexapro and I think the next week or so is going to be just as bad. I started around 6 weeks ago. The thought just occured to me that maybe I would have gotten worse without the meds and they did kinda work in some weird way. they stopped me from getting worse.
I will keep seeing her. i know it can be really hard to get into seeing another psychiatrist. I think i just need to vent myself at the next one. I really dread my therapy appointments now. |
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| Another piece of the puzzle???? |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|12:29 am] |
I can't believe it's been a few days since I have updated. I guess there have been developments but I will save them for later. Nothing too huge except what I'm going to talk about now.
Well, I think I have mentioned before that when i was around 16 there was a noticeable change in me. I went from being pretty shy to becoming an extrovert. That really doesn’t make sense does it? My psychiatrist couldn’t make sense of it when I told her. I didn’t really give her much information except that I was extroverted all of a sudden. I don’t think it was a gradual change either. What I didn’t tell her there were times when I crashed and burned. That I would go into major depressive episodes. I remember one time for a school project we did a quiz show. Teachers versus students in front of a hundred odd of my peers. I was very over-confident in this time of my life. I thought it was a great idea to dress up as a reject gimp, be walked out on a dog leash on all fours and howl at everyone staring at me. That’s pretty inappropriate behavior for a school project.
So last night I was reading a friend’s journal entry and something hit a raw nerve. Something which sounded like behavior I constantly exhibit. Behavior I didn’t think too much off before. Though behavior I know can be destructive. What was she talking about? Bipolar II.
From the age of 16 I can remember having amazing mood swings. I have seemed to cycle between major depression, normal mood and what I believe to be hypomania. Not as severe as mania. I never thought I would have bipolar because I have never displayed manic episodes before. But after doing a lot of research today I know I have displayed hypomania episodes. I wake up a lot days and think to myself. I’m going on a spending spree. So, I drive down to the shops and put so much junk on my credit card or spend money I can’t afford to spend. All on stuff I don’t need. I have had massive problems with credit cards because I go haywire with them. I don’t care at the time either. I really enjoy it and am so confident doing it.
I know I haven’t been diagnosed with it but I was right about generalized anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia and social anxiety before I was diagnosed. In fact I have never being wrong. I did a lot of research today on bipolar II and I fit the criteria really well. I could be wrong and I hope I’m wrong, I think I know what my appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday will be spent talking about! |
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| the past two days |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|12:05 am] |
One thing which has gone right in the past two days is that the situation, with the psychologist has worked. I'm just doing relaxation therapy with him now. Not that I have had patience to work on it at home. I really should. He tried a bit of hypnosis with it as well. It actually worked really well last time and came out feeling rejuvenated but that didn't last for long. Especially after the dramas with my mum Saturday night.
I guess there isn't really anything special to report about Sunday. Bec rang me and that was the first contact I have had with her for a while. She wanted to know if I wanted to go out. No thank you, not quite yet. Kinda got this agoraphobia and anxiety to deal with at the moment. I will take a raincheck on that one.
Today back to the psychiatrist and I came out of the session pissed off. I really feel like that I haven't gotten much out of the past two sessions. Why? because they have basically being spent just talking about my mum. Yes, i know that my mum has big problems at the moment. Aren't we supposed to be dealing with my problems though? Yes, my mum has a major psychosis problem. Yes, it canbe an absolute nightmare to live with. Yes, it's most likely schizophrenia. Yes, it does effect me and contributes to my problems. No, it's not the only problems I have by a long shot. No, it's certainly not her therapy session. So what does my psychiatrist suggest? The next time i come in I bring my mum and dad with me. I don't particularly feel like having my own personal Dr.Phil crossed with Jerry Springer moment. Most likely more Jerry Springer knowing my family. My mum hates psychiatrists. She has her own psychiatrist which she has to get off her arse and see. Well, I might end up taking her so I can say to the shrink 'I told you so.' I certainly don't want the shrink to admit her because frankly, she doesn't want to be admitted and she should be able to get by as an outpatient.
I have my own issues which I really need to bring up. i still haven't told her about my social phobias i have had for the past 8 years or so. I need to bring up the muscle twitches I keep on getting from the meds. i need to bring up it's ben pretty much ben nearly 6 weeks and the meds aren't doing anything. I'm bringing a list of things which need to be discussed next time and I will tell her what we are talking about. I certainly don't feel like spending a whole session talking about my mother again.
Another thing is she say's that i'm really hard to read. That I seem to be gouing through terrible pain at the moment but not showing it. I really don't think I could look anymore depressed if I tried. It's not like I walk into her office doing the Timewarp. It's not like i spend the session telling her knock knock jokes. apparently i need to look more sad or something. Shit I felt like i was on the verge of tears today and I didn't look sad enough apparently. maybe I should bring a razor next time and spilt my wrists in there. I can see it now she would either say "well done, we are making progress you're starting to show some emotion." Or she might say "I see you spilting your wrists but I don't understand what it means. Why don't you tell me what you think it means. I really don't think that you are releasing any emotion, you are holding everything in." Shit why do psychs have to be so frustrating. I'm depressed as anything, my anxiety is through the roof. She doesn't think that I'm releasing and showing emotion and she wants to have start up her own version of the Jerry Springer program in her office.
Well apart from that I brought tickets to see Muse in concert over the internet. Perhaps a bold move. the concert is not till January the 30th so i have a bit of time to get over this crap first. |
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